How I realized what I deserve

Yesterday, one of my very best friends got married. I was lucky enough to be one of the people to stand up next to her as she and her now-husband vowed to love each other forever. At the reception, all of the bridal party had a chance to give small, quick toasts after the matron of honor and best man had given their speeches. I said that I’ve never seen two people more in love and that they inspire all of us and remind us what true love should look like.

I meant every word.

I recently went through the break-up of a 5-year relationship. And let me tell you, that sucks. So, there were certain points in time during the reception when everyone paired up and the stark loneliness hit me. It wasn’t necessarily the “being single” part. It was also the fact that every single person I knew that was there had a few other people there that they knew, but I didn’t–their husbands, friends, family–and the only person with whom I was really close was the bride. So that feeling of being alone hit hard. And my friend, bless her heart, even tried to stay with me at one point while her husband wanted to dance with her. Talk about an amazing and selfless best friend. (I instead said I’d dance with her, and then the three of us danced together, because I realized anything else would’ve been way too incredibly selfish on THEIR wedding day.)

What I had

When we broke up, my ex said it was because we were too different and we wanted different things. I’ve reflected on that a lot, and while the break-up is still sad–how could it not be when it was a 5-year relationship?–everything he said was absolutely true. And that knowledge has made it a lot easier. I’ve had more than one friend surprised at how well I’m handling it. It makes me feel false to say that. But it absolutely is true. I know it’s for the best. I accepted it a lot quicker than I expected myself to. But starting over is hard.

So, going back to the wedding. At one point, the groom said to me, “If I found someone to dance with you, would you dance with him?” After ensuring he wasn’t going to pull in some rando off the street, I agreed.

I’m so glad I did.

What I deserve

I had so much fun dancing. As silly as it sounds, I’d never been spun while dancing before. Now, I have. I danced twice with a guy who was practically a stranger to me. He was fun and goofy and sweet and outgoing.

But the point of this isn’t this specific guy. I may never see or talk to him again, as far as I know. The point is what he represents–hope.

It’s my belief that we all settle at some point in our lives. I didn’t think I had in my previous relationship, but this weekend shows me so much how I did. I deserve someone who will have fun with me like he did. I deserve to find someone who will not be perfect, but perfect for me.

I’m not trying to bash my ex.  He is a lot of good things, but he’s just not right for me. We want different things. Probably the most important of all being that he, as of the time we broke up, didn’t want kids. And as much as I tried to lie to myself when I was with him, and tell myself that I didn’t…I do.

I deserve to find someone who wants the same things I want.

We all deserve to find the one person who makes us happier than anyone else can. I’m not trying to push myself into a relationship, because it’s still very soon, but I am not going to reject any chances that may come along just for the sake of rejecting them, or for what anyone else thinks. As long as it feels like the right thing to do, I’m going to do it.

Because I deserve to be happy.