For some reason, I’ve thought about you more than once today. Maybe it’s the news of Joan Rivers dying, and the fact that RIP messages are everywhere. Maybe it’s the fact that on the radio this morning, they talked about watching the downfall of your ex, and I thought to myself that the people calling in should be careful what they laughed at. Because as I watched things happen to you that weren’t so ideal, I thought they were funny, too. Until you died.
I won’t forget the conversation in which I found out. I was at work, and my best friend from high school called. She hardly ever calls me… Maybe once every six months. And she especially doesn’t call me during work. Then, she told me not to cry, but that someone had died. I don’t know how I knew it was you before she even said it. She told me to guess. I started crying before I could even tell her I didn’t want to guess (because seriously…you find out someone dies, WHO WANTS TO GUESS who it was? Every single option is unthinkable.).
Of course it was you.
And now, I’m flashing back to the time we drove to Dairy Queen in a pick-up truck. I remember you throwing your napkin out the window. I remember it flying back into the truck through the back window that leads to the bed of the truck. I remember you realizing it was coming for you and sticking your hand out awkwardly in front of your face–wrist to nose, facing outward–and I picture the same thing happening as your truck slams into the back of a semi, ending your life.
I promise not all memories of you are so vividly terrifying. I think of you when I listen to Fall Out Boy, and especially when I’m at their concerts–I’ve been to two now, you know. Every time I hear certain Mayday Parade songs–especially Three Cheers For Five Years. It’s crazy how five years from when I first heard that song and associated it with you, you died.
I think of you whenever I hear a song from Annie Get Your Gun. Sometimes I think of you when I think of Harry Potter, since the seventh book is the reason we started talking in the first place. I think of you when I think of the movie, “Cars.” I think of you when I hear the song “Remembering Sunday,” because you once posted a Youtube video of you and a friend singing that. Same goes for the song “Jar of Hearts.” I think about you when people talk about having songs written about them, and how you told me you once wrote a song about me. And then I remember that I’ll never get to hear it.
I loved you. Then I hated you. Then I didn’t really know how I felt about you…
And then you died.