I Feel Pretty/Unpretty

Yeah, I know.  I know. I’ve been kind of overdoing it on the super made-up selfies lately.

lipstick1Here’s the thing. As much as I like to pretend otherwise…I’m one of those people who puts all of her self-worth into what others think of her.

Sometimes, I don’t. Sometimes I have good days where I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. But most days…that’s not the case.

So some days, I put on a lot of make-up and take pictures of myself. A lot of pictures of myself. Upwards of 100. And then I evaluate. And sometimes, I will find one that I think doesn’t look absolutely terrible with the right filter, so I post it.

And I know I overdo it. I know. But I do it because my face is the one thing that I can make pretty relatively quickly. I know that no one looks at my body and thinks “that looks good.”

And I can’t really complain, can I? I mean, it’s my fault I let control of my weight slip away.

And people say that if someone doesn’t like me at my current weight, then it’s not someone I should want to be with anyway. But that’s easy to say if you’ve already got someone who loves you.

lipstick4And I don’t have someone who thinks (or at least pretends to think) that I’m beautiful all the time.

And the thing is, I’m afraid that people won’t even give me a second look or want the chance to talk to me if they automatically don’t like what they see.

And I know that people who read this will just tell me that means I need to work harder to make some changes. And I do try. I work out. Not as much as I should, but I do. And I try not to overeat some times.

But that’s when the endless cycle of suck kicks in.

Weight gain leads to increased chance of depression (which I already have). Depression leads to a lack of motivation to do anything–anything–so some days, I can’t bring myself to get up and go to the gym. (And I KNOW that exercise is supposed to release your endorphins or make you happy or whatever but that doesn’t exactly work as motivation when you’re not feeling it yet.)

And I’m not trying to say this as an excuse. I’m just saying it to let people know that the solution isn’t as simple as it sounds.

So yes. I put on loads of make-up, and post pictures of myself, and act all blase about it like I don’t care. But I will smile every time it gets a new like or a comment.

lipstick3And it makes me feel better.

There are far worse ways to make oneself feel better, and I’m not doing anyone any harm. I don’t intend to use them as bait like people who post “I look so ugly” pictures just to have people tell them they’re not.

I post them because I think I look good, and I want people to see that I’m not the unattractive blob I feel like a lot of the time.

I want people to see the pretty girl inside who is desperately trying to make it known to the world that she exists.

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2 thoughts on “I Feel Pretty/Unpretty

  1. I popped over from Twitter to check out your blog and I must say, this post caught my attention. How courageous and honest of you to put this out there. Personally, I think the pictures are beautiful and as long as you like them, keep posting. I’d so rock the hot red lipstick if I could, but I have freckles and yeah, red and freckles just don’t mesh together. As far as the weight issue, it’s tough. I’ve been there and done it, and I really don’t have any advice because I agree with everything you said. When you’re ready to tackle it, you will. It took me a long time, but I finally got to a place that I’m comfortable. That doesn’t mean I’m skinny, it just means that I’m okay with how my body looks, but I think part of that comes with age.

    Best of luck on NaNoWriMo! This is my first year participating, but I’m loving it so far!

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